It's interesting that the bigger I get, the more I desire to do more traditionally feminine things. Not that I don't normally consider myself feminine, but some of the aspects that are often expected of women (i.e. wearing makeup), don't generally interest me. In many ways, they feel like a waste of time. However, at 29 weeks, I'm feeling so large and ungainly that I find myself spending time in ways that aren't that typical of me. Perhaps my lack of interest goes down to the earthy crunchy side of me, but lately it's become more important to me to do my makeup in the morning (those of you who know me know this isn't typically a very important ritual in my life), paint my toenails, wear dresses, etc. It's interesting to say the least, but I chalk most of it up to wanting to feel graceful and womanly, even though I have this enormous belly protruding out front. Reassurances from friends and family only go so far, as my personal feelings contradict what they say about me. Even my mom went on and on about how I was the smallest person there in my birthing class, but I think at this stage, feeling and being are two very different things. Luckily, I have people in my life who help me to feel pretty even though my psyche isn't so sure. Josh is very encouraging always and talks about how I keep myself in shape, my mother-in-law offers to paint my toenails, as it is becoming hard to reach, and my college roommate creates art on my belly. From my experiences, I feel so badly for those women who have to go through this whole process alone. It's not only about having a baby and having your life change in that way, but even your own body becomes unfamiliar and foreign to you, which I have found to be more difficult than I imagined. Don't get me wrong, I'm very happy to be pregnant--it fascinates me and I could watch Iris moving around in my tummy for hours--but it has its own blends of hardships that I wasn't quite expecting.
Some great (hopefully) news--I have an appointment this week to talk to an advisor about possibly starting in on my credentials. I've enjoyed the subbing that I've done and am looking forward to more of it when school starts, but have gained confidence and the desire to move toward having my own classroom. I thought that getting my Masters Degree was out of the question for a few years, but my mom pointed out the possibility of stretching out the program and doing one or two classes at a time. As you may know, I'm quite a nerd, and the idea of studying and going back to school, without the stress of juggling five classes at once, excites me. So I'm talking to the two local universities to see what the possibility of taking a long-term track toward my next degree would be. I think the intellectual stimulation of taking classes again will help me through some of the baby years as well. I want to be there, but at the same time, I need adult time as well in order to be a healthy mom. One or two classes a term would be a wonderful mix, as I wouldn't have to spend much time away from Iris, and I'd still be on track, studying something that greatly interests me. So, if you read this, be praying that something along these lines works out for me--I've been presented the possibility and am trusting God to work all things out!