I got a call from Linnea's doctor this morning with the results of an ultrasound we had done last week. I was born with hip dysplasia, and had wear a corrective brace for nine months as an infant. Because hip dysplasia is a genetic defect, we have been careful to screen our children for it. However, since Iris showed no sign of the defect, I assumed Linnea would be exempt from my genes as well. Unfortunately, this is not the case. My happy, carefree baby was found to have a mild case. The doctor assured me over the phone that this was nothing to worry about, it just meant a few x-rays, and the vast majority of babies who have this are fine with no treatment; it just works itself out on its own. I had a worse case than Linnea does, and, as Josh reminded me, I'm a runner. So everything should be fine and dandy.
But then, why do I hurt so much? I've been on the verge of tears all day, have completely lost my appetite (something that I've found happens when my kids are sick or I'm worried about their health), and can't seem to get it off of my mind. I think there is a kind of hurt that you can experience as a mom that no one else can understand. Even if you know everything is going to be okay, there is a deep internal pang that overrides everything, and almost feels as though a giant lump is taking the place of all of your internal organs. Yes, it's that physical of a feeling. You find that all you want for your kids is for them to be happy, for no hardship to stand in their way, whether or not it would be good for them. I know the logic--life has trials and we learn from them, so my kids need them, too. But that's not how I feel. You can try all you like to create a safe place where your children will feel nothing but happiness, and life and the world intrude. I suppose all we can do is equip them to deal well with life, to make the best out of every situation. Perhaps this is more a learning experience for me than anything. I just wish learning wasn't so hard.